[For once in his life, he's not butting in with some sort of joke or interruption to lighten the mood and get people to loosen up a bit, or ask a million questions because he doesn't understand the nature of what's being discussed and he can't sit still until he gets it. No, all of this actually makes a good deal of sense, and Ryuji goes through the gamut of emotions.
Did he lead him on?
How did he not know?
Was he pulling him in closely without realizing it?
What a horrible thing to do to someone. All those times they spent alone, up in Ren's room, all those things that he said about where they belong. He meant every word of it, but Ryuji didn't think it would ever lead to this. How stupid he must've been, and how stupid is he now, sitting here next to him and hearing this for the first time. He always thought the one thing that he couldn't mess up was what they had. And here he was, never knowing a single hint that his best friend had fallen for him.
But really, would that have changed anything? He would've still stuck by his side. He would've still singled Ren out as someone more than worthy for him to risk his life for. Maybe some of it was projection in that Ryuji believed Ren was perfect because he needed something inherently good to latch onto, since his own ship was already wrecked and waiting on the ocean floor for the inevitability of a lonely, painful life. But mostly, it wasn't. And he needs to clear that up.]
I talk you up so much 'cause you really are the best person I've ever met. Even if you're struggling internally, it ain't like I don't notice it all the damn time, man. It's not about lookin' in the mirror and seeing something reflected back at you that's some cookie cutter shit. It's lookin' into that same mirror and knowing that even when you're smilin', you're giving everyone everything you got, even when you don't think you have it yourself to give. I mean.
[He can't look Ren in the eye when he says this sort of stuff. It's a deep, hard to bring up part of him that he doesn't really get, himself. He just knows it's there and he's trying to excavate it for both their sakes. A wrecked ship at the bottom of the ocean bed.]
We musta saved each other.
[Ren has to know where Ryuji's head was at before they met. He knows his entire life story- the nights of his childhood that he wanted so desperately to forget, the triumphs that he felt in fleeting moments and the crashes that came afterward. Ren gave him something that no one else in the world could've possibly given him. Hope to change things with your own hands. Ren, and his mom, are just. They're the strongest people he's ever known, and he wants to live up to being a person worthy to be in both their hearts, even when he knows how badly he fucks things up most of the time.]
It's just. I... [This part. It's really hard to say. He wishes, for just one, single moment, that he was decent at hiding his heart from anyone who stares directly into it. Maybe it would make some of this easier, but it's written on his tired, fatigued features that longed for just a little bit of rest more than what A2 could beat into him with.]
I don't... have those sorta feelings. And it's not even about us bein' two dudes, because... uh. Honestly, I kinda think I might be gay? I dunno, I can't figure shit out worth a damn to begin with, but.
I love you, Ren. I... I... just. I don't think that like. Those feelings... are the romantic type. And I'm sorry... y'know. God. [He rubs his hands across his face, feeling the urge to start crying again.] 'Cause I wish I could give you literally anything you ever wanted.
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Did he lead him on?
How did he not know?
Was he pulling him in closely without realizing it?
What a horrible thing to do to someone. All those times they spent alone, up in Ren's room, all those things that he said about where they belong. He meant every word of it, but Ryuji didn't think it would ever lead to this. How stupid he must've been, and how stupid is he now, sitting here next to him and hearing this for the first time. He always thought the one thing that he couldn't mess up was what they had. And here he was, never knowing a single hint that his best friend had fallen for him.
But really, would that have changed anything? He would've still stuck by his side. He would've still singled Ren out as someone more than worthy for him to risk his life for. Maybe some of it was projection in that Ryuji believed Ren was perfect because he needed something inherently good to latch onto, since his own ship was already wrecked and waiting on the ocean floor for the inevitability of a lonely, painful life. But mostly, it wasn't. And he needs to clear that up.]
I talk you up so much 'cause you really are the best person I've ever met. Even if you're struggling internally, it ain't like I don't notice it all the damn time, man. It's not about lookin' in the mirror and seeing something reflected back at you that's some cookie cutter shit. It's lookin' into that same mirror and knowing that even when you're smilin', you're giving everyone everything you got, even when you don't think you have it yourself to give. I mean.
[He can't look Ren in the eye when he says this sort of stuff. It's a deep, hard to bring up part of him that he doesn't really get, himself. He just knows it's there and he's trying to excavate it for both their sakes. A wrecked ship at the bottom of the ocean bed.]
We musta saved each other.
[Ren has to know where Ryuji's head was at before they met. He knows his entire life story- the nights of his childhood that he wanted so desperately to forget, the triumphs that he felt in fleeting moments and the crashes that came afterward. Ren gave him something that no one else in the world could've possibly given him. Hope to change things with your own hands. Ren, and his mom, are just. They're the strongest people he's ever known, and he wants to live up to being a person worthy to be in both their hearts, even when he knows how badly he fucks things up most of the time.]
It's just. I... [This part. It's really hard to say. He wishes, for just one, single moment, that he was decent at hiding his heart from anyone who stares directly into it. Maybe it would make some of this easier, but it's written on his tired, fatigued features that longed for just a little bit of rest more than what A2 could beat into him with.]
I don't... have those sorta feelings. And it's not even about us bein' two dudes, because... uh. Honestly, I kinda think I might be gay? I dunno, I can't figure shit out worth a damn to begin with, but.
I love you, Ren. I... I... just. I don't think that like. Those feelings... are the romantic type. And I'm sorry... y'know. God. [He rubs his hands across his face, feeling the urge to start crying again.] 'Cause I wish I could give you literally anything you ever wanted.