[Every thing sucks. Not just everything. Every. Thing. He's the one who rejected Ren, but why does he feel every bit of heartbreak over it too? Watching him cry, feeling his tears well up as he starts crying- man, Ryuji just. This hurts, a lot. If anyone had ever asked either of them whether or not Ryuji would be someone who would ever cause a conflict deep enough in Ren over himself that would make him break down like this, the both of them would've shook their heads no, laughed and continued to be as in-group as possible. Probably making the person outside of their own little world completely cognizant of that very fact. That they don't belong here. They don't get to ask that question. They didn't wander into Kamoshida's palace and find a piece of themselves that had only risen up to protect each other from how screwed up the world really is.
They don't fucking get it. But Ryuji does.
And here he is, for the first time, feeling a distance between the two that makes his core quake. He could never do this, or anything, alone, and the thought of rocks being thrown at the windows of the house he built for him and Ren to live in makes him question what type of person he really is deep down.
Fuck, it's not.
You idiot.
Ren, you're so dumb. Ryuji doesn't care about himself. You know this. You've always known that. Whether or not he's comfortable has literally never been something he's ever wanted Ren to care about, and he does, and it's not right for Ren to congratulate him for coming out to him this way. It feels off. It feels wrong. It's not them. His eyebrows lower downward, and he looks into the pocket created by his crossed legs.
What do I do now?
Even their own sense of being lost is mirrored in their thoughts.]
Y...you're not a fool. [He's been rejected enough to know how this feels, but, honestly, never has he ever thought it would be by someone he cared so deeply about, so he gets it. It's the same feeling, only magnified 10,000x by a microscope of how much it hurts to have your heart's cells torn apart like this.]
Man... c'mon, don't apologize. None of it... none of it's your fault... I just. Shit, Ren. Nothing matters about me figurin' anything about myself out, I don't. I don't deserve congratulations for bein' a fucking... barely functional human being. [Internally, he adds- a shitty one, at that.
It's hard. He wants to reach over and pull him into a hug, but that's his instincts kicking in to protect people he loves, and he doesn't think that's what Ren would want, so he struggles as he lifts a hand forward and just. Probably? Mistakenly places it against his shoulder. Starts to pull a little bit, coaxing. You ever watch a train coming to hit you at 100mph and you just know, hey, this is it? This is when it's going to hit. This was my life?]
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They don't fucking get it. But Ryuji does.
And here he is, for the first time, feeling a distance between the two that makes his core quake. He could never do this, or anything, alone, and the thought of rocks being thrown at the windows of the house he built for him and Ren to live in makes him question what type of person he really is deep down.
Fuck, it's not.
You idiot.
Ren, you're so dumb. Ryuji doesn't care about himself. You know this. You've always known that. Whether or not he's comfortable has literally never been something he's ever wanted Ren to care about, and he does, and it's not right for Ren to congratulate him for coming out to him this way. It feels off. It feels wrong. It's not them. His eyebrows lower downward, and he looks into the pocket created by his crossed legs.
What do I do now?
Even their own sense of being lost is mirrored in their thoughts.]
Y...you're not a fool. [He's been rejected enough to know how this feels, but, honestly, never has he ever thought it would be by someone he cared so deeply about, so he gets it. It's the same feeling, only magnified 10,000x by a microscope of how much it hurts to have your heart's cells torn apart like this.]
Man... c'mon, don't apologize. None of it... none of it's your fault... I just. Shit, Ren. Nothing matters about me figurin' anything about myself out, I don't. I don't deserve congratulations for bein' a fucking... barely functional human being. [Internally, he adds- a shitty one, at that.
It's hard. He wants to reach over and pull him into a hug, but that's his instincts kicking in to protect people he loves, and he doesn't think that's what Ren would want, so he struggles as he lifts a hand forward and just. Probably? Mistakenly places it against his shoulder. Starts to pull a little bit, coaxing. You ever watch a train coming to hit you at 100mph and you just know, hey, this is it? This is when it's going to hit. This was my life?]
C'mere.