[ Somewhere, yeah he does know that. Someplace way below the surface, buried underneath the scraped raw bits and livewire exposed to the air Ren knows exactly why Ryuji thinks that. Ren has seen the face of the enemy in slips and slivers, light slicing open glimpses in the shadow while it looked behind Ryuji in those conversations made heart to heart. Ren knows better than anyone because who else could Ryuji trust that with?
And in the same breath how could Ren remember anything before what this pain was, its sharpness and presence eclipsing reason and waxed large beyond its ken with that damn food poisoning. Ren wants to understand so badly that he doesn't understand at all; he makes all the motions of it, he says the words, and from what he can tell he can believe it because the mind in distress will fling out and hold tight to anything that will lessen the hurt. Ren is Happy For Ryuji since living with honesty is integral to who he is, so shouldn't it be momentous that he's discovering his sexuality? Of course Ren cares - it just happens that it's at the same moment that the pressing issue isn't one he can stand to stare at without a fresh wave of grief overcoming him.
It's possible he'll remember later, when it's quieter and Ren can hear himself think. It's possible he'll need something to jog his memory that yeah, that's right, Ryuji is Ryuji and this is what he thinks of himself, and this whole exchange will be less crushing in the sense of what Ren did wrong and way, way tilted toward what Ryuji doesn't think he deserves and it'll fucking break Ren's heart all over again. ]
'Course it matters, you matter an- [ God, what a gross sniff. Crying is awful, why did he do this. ] it's part of you.
[ He's so fucking embarrassing, sitting here and blubbering like a little kid just cuz he can't have what he wants. Ren almost resists the pull at his shoulder out of shame - and it's not as though he isn't ashamed as hell for what he's doing to Ryuji. Why's he still trying to protect Ren's feelings?
There's a decision to be made whether or no Ren is aware of it. But the truth is he's too weak not to go and unfold, to let the inevitability of motion take its course and crash into a shoulder, a collarbone. The twist in his spine is too great and blindly Ren relinquishes the remains of his dignity to fully turn and loop his arms around Ryuji's middle. ]
'Course you matter.
[ He can't even care about how wrecked his voice is. his fingers clutch and abuse the poor shirt material at Ryuji's back but it feels so calming just to be here and not have to hold himself up anymore. It's a tiny balm on an enormous wound but Ren's breath hitches just a touch less violently. ]
no subject
And in the same breath how could Ren remember anything before what this pain was, its sharpness and presence eclipsing reason and waxed large beyond its ken with that damn food poisoning. Ren wants to understand so badly that he doesn't understand at all; he makes all the motions of it, he says the words, and from what he can tell he can believe it because the mind in distress will fling out and hold tight to anything that will lessen the hurt. Ren is Happy For Ryuji since living with honesty is integral to who he is, so shouldn't it be momentous that he's discovering his sexuality? Of course Ren cares - it just happens that it's at the same moment that the pressing issue isn't one he can stand to stare at without a fresh wave of grief overcoming him.
It's possible he'll remember later, when it's quieter and Ren can hear himself think. It's possible he'll need something to jog his memory that yeah, that's right, Ryuji is Ryuji and this is what he thinks of himself, and this whole exchange will be less crushing in the sense of what Ren did wrong and way, way tilted toward what Ryuji doesn't think he deserves and it'll fucking break Ren's heart all over again. ]
'Course it matters, you matter an- [ God, what a gross sniff. Crying is awful, why did he do this. ] it's part of you.
[ He's so fucking embarrassing, sitting here and blubbering like a little kid just cuz he can't have what he wants. Ren almost resists the pull at his shoulder out of shame - and it's not as though he isn't ashamed as hell for what he's doing to Ryuji. Why's he still trying to protect Ren's feelings?
There's a decision to be made whether or no Ren is aware of it. But the truth is he's too weak not to go and unfold, to let the inevitability of motion take its course and crash into a shoulder, a collarbone. The twist in his spine is too great and blindly Ren relinquishes the remains of his dignity to fully turn and loop his arms around Ryuji's middle. ]
'Course you matter.
[ He can't even care about how wrecked his voice is. his fingers clutch and abuse the poor shirt material at Ryuji's back but it feels so calming just to be here and not have to hold himself up anymore. It's a tiny balm on an enormous wound but Ren's breath hitches just a touch less violently. ]
I'm gonna... get your shirt w-wet.