But there is an instinct carved deep into Erika that says don't make excuses and find your goal and bleed for it and if throat-closing panic couldn't shut her up then that instinct would. She could cry and scream about how she's done things like this to humans and nobody got hurt (like this), about her memory server, about how it was all over a stupid fucking clock and she wasn't after A2's help in the first place, about how he has it all wrong in a way she can't even pick out because it's not about the facts of what happened?
But crying and screaming wouldn't help, she knows it in her bones more than her brain, so she puts it all through a sieve and cooks it down into hard truths and resignation. 9S will hate her, and avoid her and her bad decisions, and that will be better for him, and Erika will have done the right thing - yet again, once it's too late to really count, when the right and best thing is nothing better than damage control.
She bows her head and stays wordless, hands on her knees, biting back everything of her tears that she can, silent but for short unvoiced noises in the back of her throat she can't quite swallow down.]
no subject
But there is an instinct carved deep into Erika that says don't make excuses and find your goal and bleed for it and if throat-closing panic couldn't shut her up then that instinct would. She could cry and scream about how she's done things like this to humans and nobody got hurt (like this), about her memory server, about how it was all over a stupid fucking clock and she wasn't after A2's help in the first place, about how he has it all wrong in a way she can't even pick out because it's not about the facts of what happened?
But crying and screaming wouldn't help, she knows it in her bones more than her brain, so she puts it all through a sieve and cooks it down into hard truths and resignation. 9S will hate her, and avoid her and her bad decisions, and that will be better for him, and Erika will have done the right thing - yet again, once it's too late to really count, when the right and best thing is nothing better than damage control.
She bows her head and stays wordless, hands on her knees, biting back everything of her tears that she can, silent but for short unvoiced noises in the back of her throat she can't quite swallow down.]