i hear the voices getting louder

[resleeves]

» WHO? takeshi kovacs + ota
» WHEN? throughout the weekend and next week
» WHERE? chapel, fitness area, bar, and various others
» WHAT? causing trouble
» WARNINGS? language but nothing else as of yet

001. chapel

[ he's not here to pray.

he's not here to do anything but sit in the quiet and think. it's been a few weeks since the arrival of the backpack (which sits on the bench beside him) and he'd thought, for a few hours, that maybe more things would arrive. maybe a gun or an oni or fuck, he'd take ortega herself showing up. but nothing else familiar arrives.

he's even started seeing less of quell. she's still there when he sleeps but the glimpses of her he used to catch from the corner of his eyes are happening less and less. he's not sure if that means his fragged mind is healing or getting worse.

maybe it seems she's alive somewhere. yeah right, what a fucking miracle that would be. he'd seen her explode and he'd probably walked on the ashes that had been her body as he'd tried to get off harlan's world.

while he's alone, he reads a few of the quotes off the wall and then reaches into the backpack to physically throw garbage at the ones he doesn't like (which is all of them). he knew that some of this shit would come in handy and making a mess was juvenile but he had fuck all else to do.

it wasn't like anyone would notice. this place was a mess anyway. ]

002. fitness area

Well, this is just fucking boring.

[ ever since the new sleeve, he's never really done a lot of solo training. quell's training two sleeves ago had stuck and from then on, a life spent being hunted and taking out those he'd been paid to kill had left him in decent enough shape.

then, there had been the life sentence and over two centuries spent on ice doing absolutely nothing. ryker's death had left a physically capable sleeve behind even if it was a sleeve that she had a fucking attachment to, unbeknownst to him until he'd been wearing the sleeve for awhile.

he drops the backpack on the ground and circles the room, staring down at the pool and making a face. didn't look like any place he wanted to take a swim in. plenty of people had probably pissed in that.

these facilities were a long way from even carnage's shitty little spectacle. at least he'd had a cheering section and some competition. ]

Ain't none of that here.

[ of course he'd think that. of course. ]

003. bar

[ even kovacs could tell the alcohol was running low. he kept expecting to stop in (during one of his daily walks through the station) and see more of it. but, that hadn't happened yet. bottles were half empty, knocked over and collecting dust.

kovacs spends some time behind the bar, remembering the one time he'd had a bartender who made some decent drinks before she'd up and disappeared. lucky fucker. if she wasn't here, she had to be somewhere better.

and yet, he's still here, stuck. one of the bottles he picks up and brings up to sniff is filled with something so strong that it burns the lining of his nose and actually makes him blink. ]

Smells like fuel.

[ which meant it was fucking perfect.

kovacs made his way over to one of the booths and laid down, long legs dangling over the side. the backpack was placed on his stomach and the bottle on the table. he stared up at the ceiling, wondering how plausible it would be to just kick his way out of this place.

answer: not plausible at all.

where was poe and his arsenal when you really needed him? ]

004. wildcard

[ got something else in mind? feel free to make it happen. hit me up at spoonishly to plot! ]

Comments

[possidetur]

( vanessa doesn't comment on his belief, not when she's as equally uncertain as to her own. she takes a step forward, looking towards the writing that he'd been throwing things at )

It seems that it was built for all in mind.

( judging by the writing at least )

I'm not certain what some of these say.

[resleeves]

You're not missing out.

[ there are some that he can't decipher either but he's not exactly rushing to find a translation either. it's probably a bunch of shit about helping the poor and opening your heart and what a bunch of fucking bullshit. ]

You think whoever was here before us used this place?

[ had they prayed before whatever fucking catastrophic shit had happened? had they asked for some guidance and been denied? wouldn't have surprised kovacs. ]

[possidetur]

I believe so.

( someone would have even if it wasn't used by everyone that had lived here. particularly if things had started going disastrously )

Even so far home they may have felt the need for guidance.

[resleeves]

Guidance for fucking what?

[ to fuck everything up about eighty times worse than it already was? to make sure that they left everything in shambles for the next unlucky group of people? well, if that was the case, their guidance had been really fucking successful. ]

Only person you should rely on for guidance is yourself. But even then, you could be let down. Might fuck yourself over too.

[possidetur]

And if you've done that?

( vanessa had done all of that. in betraying mina she'd not only fucked up mina's life but her own, marked it in a way that couldn't be changed. she'd prayed, she'd been denied. she'd wanted to die. that was all that had been left )

Sometimes that faith can bring you back.

( she'd clung to it then despite being turned away by god. it was, vanessa believed, what had saved her from lucifer. from death )

[resleeves]

Have I fucked myself over? All the goddamn time.

[ he was his own worst enemy at the best of times. it wasn't like he had any checks and balances left after quell and rei. it was him and only him. well, he supposed now he had ortega yapping at his heels but he doesn't give two shits about what she thinks. ]

Yeah, sometimes it can. But so can alcohol.

[ or maybe alcohol just made you forget the massive fuck up you were for a few hours. and then when you came back to yourself, you just drank some more. it was an ugly cycle but it worked. ]

[possidetur]

Perhaps in the moment.

( but, at least for vanessa, she needed something longer lasting. she'd been thought mad for her faith before, believing too deeply, but that hope, that belief had kept her alive. had kept her senses )

My faith is complicated. I no longer know whether I believe the Almighty is there, whether He listens.

( one moment when she had needed him he had not been there, another he had. now vanessa had turned from him )

But in the past that belief kept my strength when all else was lost. When I was lost.

( would he understand? with it so vague he may not, but how did you introduce something to a stranger -- especially something that sounded so mad )

[resleeves]

So, what made you stop believing?

[ he knew enough to know that it wasn't something you typically just grew out of. you had a crisis of faith or witnessed something so horrible, you questioned why anyone would just let it happen. ]

And what do you use to keep your strength now?

[ he could understand...sort of. he doesn't know how belief in something that you can't even prove would keep you strong but whatever, to each their fucking own, he guesses. just as long as they didn't get angry at him for rolling his eyes. ]

[possidetur]

( there's a pause for a moment, a struggle in her admission -- in the confession of her sin. the only one that knew of it was ethan, the one who had seen the result of her action.

for some reason, a reason that vanessa isn't certain she can explain, she trusts him. at least enough to share the bare details of her actions. though given things that he's alluded to she believes that he may be able to read between the lines )

I did something that cannot be forgiven. ( there are many things that vanessa cannot forgive herself for, many sins that she's committed in her life. this one is different, marking her in a different way. murder ) In doing so I turned my back on God.

( his second question goes unanswered. vanessa isn't certain what keeps her strong. she doesn't know that it's there anymore, not so resolutely. these days feel a greater struggle than any ever has before. she feels alone. lost. beaten. she doesn't feel so strong )

[resleeves]

[ kovacs can't help himself, he snorts at her explanation but it's not directed at her. it's directed at the thought that doing something unforgivable would constitute turning his back on God. if that was the case, he would have turned his back on that fucking deity when he'd killed his own father. ]

What'd you do?

[ he notices the lack of answer to the second question but lets it go. if she doesn't want to answer, it wasn't any skin off his back. if he was that interested, he'd ask again sometime. ]

[possidetur]

I killed a man.

( her words are hushed, though her eyes meet his. vanessa feels the guilt of her actions, some shame mixed in, but she would do it again. it had needed to be done )

I avenged the life of my friend.

[resleeves]

That's it?

[ oh vanessa, you were so innocent. ]

I've killed lots of men. And all they had to do was pay me.

[ some people just needed killing, after all. ]

You did what you did for a reason. If your God can't understand that, fuck him.

[possidetur]

( the better part is that she doesn't recoil from his admission or judge his actions. ethan had been similar -- he had been a hired gun, he had been prepared to kill, even to save her from having to do so. he would have killed the man she did without even knowing them because it had brought her pain. because it had been right.

for vanessa herself it felt different. she wasn't a hired gun. she was just a woman cursed. a woman with faith. ethan had been brought up in the faith but had turned away long ago. but then for vanessa god was not the only one in play )

It was not only the Almighty that concerned me.

[resleeves]

Why do you care so much what other people think about you?

[ it's something kovacs doesn't understand, the need to let others hold you back. to dictate what you think and how you fucking act. no. he'd let that happen a long, long time ago and he'd been stabbed in the back.

betrayed.

and he vowed that he wasn't going to let someone pull his strings again.

he tries to ignore that that's exactly what he's letting bancroft do. good thing he's getting paid. ]

You killed someone. It's not a big deal.

[possidetur]

Would you believe me if I told you?

( vanessa doubts that he would. few would believe in her tale. she's been thought mad once for how strongly she'd believed in god, for believing herself possessed. being truthful could hurt more than the actions that had occurred )

If what I believed was not only in God, but also in Lucifer?

( that in murdering a man it had not only turned her away from god but marked her soul, taking her closer to lucifer. it wasn't a metaphor -- lucifer had wanted her soul and she'd made it easier for him. willingly taking that step )

[resleeves]

Why wouldn't I believe that?

[ in his experience, most religions have the good guy and the bad guy. they're always whispering sweet nothings to the good guy to keep the bad guy away but sometimes, shit happened and you ended up reserving your seat in eternal damnation. ]

Better question is if you believe it? I've killed plenty of people and no all powerful god or goddess has come for me.

[ maybe they were biding their time but why? fuck, he'd been alive long enough. ]

[possidetur]

( vanessa says nothing at first, studying him, trying to decide how true his claim is )

I do believe it.

( she doesn't falter, keeping her gaze on him. she doesn't know why it's important that he believe her, other than not wanting a stranger to think her mad. someone that she would see again in this small place. she had enjoyed his company previously )

I have been hunted by Lucifer. I had always believed that God would keep me safe but there were moments when I most needed Him and He was not there.

( but lucifer had been, whispering to her in the night, answering her when god did not )

[resleeves]

Hunted by Lucifer?

[ okay, that gets his attention because she really sounds like she believes an actual demon is on her tail. ]

Really?

[ he doesn't sound dubious. yet. but he does sound confused. he has no idea how that would even be possible. why the hell would any fucking devil concern himself with a goddamn human. seemed a waste. ]

[possidetur]

Really.

( it's a little curt, wishing to push past that doubt. or end the conversation. she isn't quite certain whether it's disbelief in his question or clarification )

But He is not here. Likely neither of them are.

[resleeves]

Are you talking about an actual fucking creature or just some overwhelming sense of dread that you'r taking to me Lucifer?

[ it seems prudent to ask right now. he won't say he's doubting her but that sounds pretty fucking far fetched. ]

Yeah, I don't think he's here.

[ some devil from hell being here would be hard to miss, he thinks. ]

[possidetur]

( he'll see the change in tone before she speaks, the shift in her body, her defences rising. he doesn't need to outwardly doubt it for her to back away. vanessa knows that it sounds ridiculous, even her friends that had seen such things, had known what she could do had found the deal with lucifer harder to swallow )

Would it matter? ( vanessa takes a fraction of a step back ) You don't believe anyway.

( or at least he'd claimed not to care what god thought. what that said to his beliefs-- )

[resleeves]

Is that right?

[ whether that's true or not, kovacs has never really liked having words put in his mouth. he can speak for himself and the edge in his voice clearly illustrates that. ]

I'm asking you fucking questions. I haven't made one fucking proclamation.

[ if he didn't believe her, he'd just say so. ]

Do you always believe some weird shit without asking question? Just sight unseen? Because fuck that.

[possidetur]

( she doesn't answer, not immediately. vanessa wanted to back away from the conversation, to no longer have her past on display, effectively. but vanessa wasn't in the habit of running from something just because it was uncomfortable )

I didn't want to believe it. ( though she'd had no choice but to. the same with all of the other weird shit in her life. some of it vanessa had never questioned but the rest-- she hadn't believed that they were in space. that had been harder to accept than vampires or the devil )

To believe that the devil was hunting me? That he had an eternal quest for my soul?

( there's distaste in her words just at the memory. lucifer is a sore subject and a large part of her past )

So no, it isn't just a sense of dread.

[resleeves]

[ pretty fucked up, wasn't it? for once, kovacs doesn't know how to respond. the devil's not really something he's ever had to deal with and the devil rising from his fiery hell and playing a game of tag with someone? yeah, never come up in conversation before. ]

Because you killed one guy?

[ that's not disbelief, that's fucking confusion at why the devil would take such an interest. ]

Is Lucifer really bored where you're from?

[possidetur]

No. ( her eyes close for a moment, not wanting to see his reaction ) Lucifer has always been there, waiting, trying to tempt me. My entire life.

( and there were certainly moments where he'd come close. when vanessa had seduced mina's fiance, when she'd been recovering from the banning clinic. but she had, or so vanessa had still believed, god on her side then. it was only in murder that turned her from him )