Naomi Nagata (
tekimetexeng) wrote in
reverielogs2018-07-16 08:26 am
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» WHO? Naomi, Amos, and Alex + friends, potentially
» WHEN? (backdated) to shortly after Ashford's appearance
» WHERE? crew quarters 6.25
» WHAT? Naomi shares an unpleasant secret with her boys, and they all deal with the fallout
» WARNINGS? ...a lot of anger? + massive spoilers for The Expanse s2 finale.
[ This conversation is long overdue, and Naomi knows it. She should have told them well before now, and the list of reasons she can give as to why she didn't -- that she's given, and that people have even agreed with -- are all just excuses in the end. Practical ones, valid ones, but really only a defense against her being scared to face consequences. Holden had taken it so poorly, and she knew Amos would probably never forgive her and Alex's inevitable anger will hurt like hell. It may be worse since she's kept it from them, but even back home they apparently kicked her off the ship anyway. That was the final nail in the coffin of her guilt. She'd lost them, and hiding her actions from them here... asking others to hide it as well? It needs to stop.
She can't hide it anymore. So she's called them both to the room the crew commandeered, and has them sitting on the bed while she paces slowly back and forth in front of them, gathering her courage. ]
There's something I need to tell you. That you've deserved to know for a long time now, but -- [ she shakes her head; no excuses ]
I should have told you. And I'm sorry. That I did it on my own in the first place, and that I didn't confess sooner. [ Deep breaths, she tells herself. She stops pacing and goes very still, and can't look either of them in the eyes when she says it, though her voice strengthens for the confession itself, now unwavering. ] I didn't destroy our sample of protomolecule. I hid it, and then... I gave the coordinates to Fred Johnson. To the Belt.
[ Her regret isn't what she did, it's how. It's the deception. That's what she feels like she really has to pay for. If they want explanations for why she did it or why she's kept quiet, she'll give them, but she thinks the latter at least is fairly obvious. They're stuck here, in this rotting tin can of torment. They have projects together. They need each other. And honestly, there's only so much space she can give them if they decide they want nothing to do with her now, like she believes must have been the case back home. But she'll wait for them to deliver that verdict.
What'll it be, boys? ]
» WHEN? (backdated) to shortly after Ashford's appearance
» WHERE? crew quarters 6.25
» WHAT? Naomi shares an unpleasant secret with her boys, and they all deal with the fallout
» WARNINGS? ...a lot of anger? + massive spoilers for The Expanse s2 finale.
[ This conversation is long overdue, and Naomi knows it. She should have told them well before now, and the list of reasons she can give as to why she didn't -- that she's given, and that people have even agreed with -- are all just excuses in the end. Practical ones, valid ones, but really only a defense against her being scared to face consequences. Holden had taken it so poorly, and she knew Amos would probably never forgive her and Alex's inevitable anger will hurt like hell. It may be worse since she's kept it from them, but even back home they apparently kicked her off the ship anyway. That was the final nail in the coffin of her guilt. She'd lost them, and hiding her actions from them here... asking others to hide it as well? It needs to stop.
She can't hide it anymore. So she's called them both to the room the crew commandeered, and has them sitting on the bed while she paces slowly back and forth in front of them, gathering her courage. ]
There's something I need to tell you. That you've deserved to know for a long time now, but -- [ she shakes her head; no excuses ]
I should have told you. And I'm sorry. That I did it on my own in the first place, and that I didn't confess sooner. [ Deep breaths, she tells herself. She stops pacing and goes very still, and can't look either of them in the eyes when she says it, though her voice strengthens for the confession itself, now unwavering. ] I didn't destroy our sample of protomolecule. I hid it, and then... I gave the coordinates to Fred Johnson. To the Belt.
[ Her regret isn't what she did, it's how. It's the deception. That's what she feels like she really has to pay for. If they want explanations for why she did it or why she's kept quiet, she'll give them, but she thinks the latter at least is fairly obvious. They're stuck here, in this rotting tin can of torment. They have projects together. They need each other. And honestly, there's only so much space she can give them if they decide they want nothing to do with her now, like she believes must have been the case back home. But she'll wait for them to deliver that verdict.
What'll it be, boys? ]
no subject
He did not look at Amos for this entire revelation.
Not because he didn't care about what his friend thought, but more because he didn't have enough room for anyone else's feelings alongside his own. He'd been worried, when Naomi said she needed to talk to them - had figured it had something to do with the cryptic things Ashford had said on the network. But he hadn't guessed this.
He hadn't in a million years guessed this.
His arms were locked tight against his chest, his face pulled into a deep enough frown that it wiped all friendliness from his face. He could hear his own blood pounding in his ears to the point where if she tried to say anything else after "to Fred Johnson", he barely even heard it. ]
We destroyed it.
[ Disbelief, first, but it was hard and it was angry. It was him not wanting to believe, more than anything else. ]
We all decided, and we destroyed it. We shot it into the god damned sun.
no subject
You all decided. I decided... something else. That it was too important to destroy, so I lied to you. Kept it safe just in case.
no subject
When.
When did you give it to him.
no subject
After Ganymede. I was sure we were going to die on the Weeping Somnambulist, and then our sample would be lost.
no subject
It's a very cold, very small amount of comfort.
Like trying to make a ruined dish better by throwing a little salt on it.
He can taste his anger, sour and bitter at the back of his throat, and he can feel his heart pounding against his ribs. ]
Right. So. Let me get this straight.
We all agree - We all agreed - to destroy it. You decide you know better than all the rest of us, lie to us, then after we know that Mars got a hold of it and fucked up a whole lot of people, you decide to give it to Fred Fucking Johnson.
And then we get kidnapped all the way out here, and you decide to just - not tell us. For months. When who the hell knows what they could be doing with that shit, back home, they could be-- [ He cuts off because his voice is starting to rise, and he's getting furious. ]
What the ever loving hell, Naomi?
no subject
[ But she couldn't keep it up any longer. She does look pained now, knowing full well it was the wrong call. She won't say all of it was. It's entirely possible the Belt is only a player now because of the sample, though she hadn't pressed Ashford for more details. This had to happen first. ]
I'm sorry, Alex. Amos.
no subject
It’s because he thought he could trust her. It’s because he did. He trusted her, more than anyone else, and yet she lied to him. Went behind his back. He would have backed her play, if she’d told him. He didn’t care about any of the big picture stuff, it wasn’t - what mattered to him.
So he doesn’t say anything while he processes, Alex talking for two. His eyes find Naomi’s. He doesn’t know how to feel, right now. He doesn’t, his whole world shaken up by the admission that Naomi betrayed him. Not them. Him. ]
I’d have backed you.
[ But she didn’t tell him what she did. ]
Did you not trust me?
no subject
You'd been trying so hard to make choices on your own, and make them be the right ones. You were backing Holden from the start, not me or Alex. And after we disagreed on Ganymede too... I didn't want to put you back in that position. I did trust you, Amos. I just thought you'd already made your decision.
[ She clears her throat a little, trying to steady her voice. ]
I should have talked to you. All of you, again, once we knew for sure our sample wasn't the last. I was wrong.
no subject
[ Any other time, he'd be wrecked, seeing Naomi's face like that. But all Alex could see was red.
Finally he threw up his hands. ]
I'm gettin' some god damned air before I say somethin' I regret.
[ And he left, whether there were protests or not. But he didn't expect there would be. ]
no subject
He shouldn't be surprised. He shouldn't be sad.
All he can think to say before turning away is: ]
I'd have backed you.
[ It's a repeat, but it's all he's got. It's pointless, too; it doesn't mean anything here. But there's nothing else he can say to convey how he feels, right now. ]
You should have told me.
no subject
Naomi just nods quietly to show she's heard him, taken it in, but he's not looking at her anymore. Is probably going to walk out on her, as well. Maybe she should start thinking about switching rooms to give the boys some space, if the station would allow that. She might have to hack a terminal to force it, but at least that'd be something to do. Her voice is very soft when she does speak again, the only thing there is to say. ]
I'm sorry, Amos.