reverielogs | CLOSED; a new apple

[ the radio works.

it's picking up- well, static, almost all static. she didn't even try to find god on it. why would she? even if god was out here, she doesn't want to talk to him. no way. but she does want to see if the devil's still here. so she'd inched by, adjusting the wavelength nanometer by nanometer, until suddenly the galena had caught, and the static had cleared, and she was there.

she'd dropped it. completely screwed up the signal. she sort of hopes the devil doesn't feel too hurt by that?? but she can't imagine it being too bad. it's like... the devil's here. she's whole, again, even if jupiter and neptune are missing, she's here for the first time in a long while.

and now that she's here, she needs to check something. it was tempting to go to ryuji - he's the first person she'd offered this to, after all! - but akechi is. well, he's important to her. so she follows the familiar route to his door (how long has it been? a week? two weeks? three?), knocking after a brief moment of hesitation. she holds the radio tightly against her chest, hidden away under her shirt. ]

Um, it's me. Venus. Can I- are you there?

[ he'd always feared that the worst part of having a Palace disabled by the Phantom Thieves would be the guilt. he's seen it, after all, in all their other targets — barely able to live with themselves, once their distortions have been lifted and the weight of their crimes can reach them unobstructed. it was already fucking hard enough to have to live every day without that, and he wouldn't be able to... well. there was no escaping anything, on Reverie Terminal.

but it's not what he imagined. the guilt is there, yes, but so is an acceptance of the circumstances he was in; the fact that he had been a child, a (he still doesn't want to use that word, doesn't want to hear it—) a victim, and he had done terrible things that can never be forgiven and... he doesn't need to be. there has been a poison festering in Akechi all his life, and it will take so much time to drain in its entirety, but for the first time, that festering thing has been lanced. he can, actually, live. whether he wants to or not is still an issue of its own, and that doesn't matter in this moment right now, in the aftermath of having a parasite ripped out of him, because he can.

the unbearable weight of his own disguise has been lifted. he's been taking a few days to recover; he knows that sooner or later, he'll have to confront himself, and the Thieves. he needs to tell Venus and Erika the truth, so that they can make an informed decision about him, which is a strange and frightening thought. people will see him. raw and bleeding from prying the mask from his own face, but him, the real him, wretchedly vulnerable and withered from so many years spent in the shadow of a person that wanted to be wanted.

he's thinking about all of this again for the dozenth time when he hears Venus, and he gets up from his bed to go and slide the door open. ]

Venus-san? [ christ. he doesn't know if he was fully prepared to see her yet, knowing that it's entirely possible she'll see his honest self and abandon him, and that he has to somehow be okay with that. his heart lurches in his chest (another new thing to get used to, not lying to himself anymore) and he steps aside, waves her inside. ] You can come in. Is everything alright?

Yes. No?? It's- [ and just like that she stumbles inside, reaching out with one wing to push the door shut out of akechi's hands. ] It's a lot. I'm trying, I swear, it's just-

[ words are hard. actions are easier right now. she unzips the top of her jumpsuit, pulling it open just enough to reach her white tank beneath, then pulls that up just enough to reach- something. something entirely indescribable, long and pliable wires bent into something between "antenna" and "lance." that terrible weight on the end drags it down, gives it a deadly tip, and the focusing crystal - galena, thank goodness it's galena, even though that shouldn't be enough to make it through space-

enough thinking. she holds it with a weird sort of ease, looking for all the world like an actual scout and not one of the rejects they sent off once, then looks up to akechi. her eyes meet his. ]

Do you trust me? [ and then, hurriedly- ] It's okay if you don't. Really, you don't have to! But- what I mean is, um, do you trust me enough to try something?

[ well. something strange is going on. which is nice, because it means that he can put aside his uncomfortable new mindset for the moment and focus on whatever is bothering her, because he— cares. about her. and that's a thought he wasn't capable of having just a week ago, so it trips him up, but it also makes it much easier to decide how to proceed here. ]

I trust you as much as I'm capable of. [ there are still a lot of sutures to be made as far as that part of him goes, and he's aware of that. he can at least be honest about it. ] Tell me what's going on?

[ gesturing pointedly at the radio, because what is that. ]

[ "as much as i'm capable of." venus just sort of stares at akechi for a moment, not bewildered so much as curious. she's never heard him talk like that - well, at least not without being very drunk ahead of time. but she smiles after a moment, once she's processed what it means.

and then she immediately flushes bright red and drops her gaze to the ground. ]

Oh! Right. Um, well... this is a radio. You probably already knew that. [ he had to already know that. even kids know what a radio is. ] And, um, where I'm from, radios are- special! They're a lot more than something you put music on. You can fight things, and, uh, lock doors? But- see, the thing is-

[ she flounders for words. for a moment, she literally flails: she raises her hands, trying desperately to keep talking without knowing what to say next, and just sort of flaps them about uselessly. when the words finally come, she plunges forward again. ]

You can talk to God. Or, um, at least listen to him? But- don't do that, he's no good, he's awful to listen to. Because you can also talk to the devil. And... she's here. It's not just me, she's here now.

[ she hopes, more than anything, that at least she's making some sort of sense. ]

[ it's easy to forget the God/Devil angle sometimes, when he sees Venus as only herself. he remembers everything that she's told him about herself and the place she came from: that she is the devil, although not the only one or the original. that she wasn't always, and that she is happier now. it takes some time to put it together in a way that makes coherent sense of what Venus is saying, but after a few seconds of silence, he concludes, unsure and slow: ]

The devil being the one who made you what you are now, is that right? [ the wings, and the eyes, and the advocacy for rebellion, he imagines. ] She... liberated you, in a sense.

[ he feels much more wary of that thing she considers a radio, all of a sudden. ] What did you want to try?

Right! Right, yeah. [ "liberated." that's not quite right, not exactly, but- it's closer than anything else could describe it. so she nods, furiously, and steps back with bitten lip. ] And, um... I guess that's what I wanted to try? Liberation. Haha.

[ like this, as nervous and manic as she is, she can't imagine it sounds good. she forces herself to breathe, to steady herself on her feet. she lets her gaze rise up, until her eyes are looking directly into his. she wants him to know- just what she means. ]

You said it yourself, right? It's not... the only way to survive in this world is to be what society wants you to be. But that's not fair, and it's not right, and- you don't have to be.

[ ugh. she's getting tongue-tied again. she sighs, grabs her elbows and drums her fingers gently. ]

I haven't told anyone else about it. I thought... you deserved to know first.

[ a week ago — a few days ago, he would have pretended to agree with her on the surface, and in his heart he would have been laughing at that, her use of the words he'd once shared with her. but that's precisely what was stolen from his corrupted heart. "you have to play the part or you won't survive." and now, he... it's not that he sees society differently. it's just that he doesn't want to have to live that way anymore.

he still doesn't smile at her, the way he would have before; but his expression softens, something thoughtful and a little sad about it. ]

I see. [ she came to him first. some cruel little voice reminds him that, right now, she's still talking to a fabrication, that the person she thought of isn't really him, but. it matters. ] Ah... Thank you for thinking of me.

[ he wants to tell her the truth — or, no, he doesn't want to but he knows that he should and he has to — but she looks so frantic. that can wait until after this has all settled, whatever "this" is. he's starting to get an idea of it, though. Venus, who is so angry at the world and who hates feeling helpless to make any kind of change. Venus, and the devil who broke her chains in the first place.

rather than fear, he feels a strange sense of anticipation. ] When you say you want to try liberation... What does the devil do, exactly?

Of course I thought of you? Haha.

[ he's not smiling, and he's speaking softly, and he's asking questions rather than waving her on and laughing. and that should be cause for alarm. but it's not, because she barely notices it to begin with - her brain is just trying to handle what she found, and offer it to him, and take whatever he says at his word. ]

She lets us become a part of her. Or maybe it's more that she becomes a part of us? Or maybe- she was always there, and it just sort of brings it to the surface. [ venus extends her wings, the tips almost reaching akechi's walls, and in an uncharacteristically gleeful display does a little twirl. she giggles nervously as she stops, only taking a moment to regain her balance before facing akechi again. ] It's like... I was a normal human, before her. And I hated it? I hated it, so much. I was stuck in a body that wasn't right, and no matter what I did that's what people would see. And she... she let other people see me the right way.

[ she flushes as she speaks, frayed nerves finally catching up to her. she hasn't talked as much about this with akechi, and she really has no idea how he'll react! but- it's important that he knows just what the devil's done for her. ]

And now I don't have to worry about being- one of the good ones, I guess? Because I know I'm not. And everyone else knows I'm not. And that makes everything so much easier.

[ with a little humour, though somewhat bleak: ] For a given value of "good."

[ which is the point, he supposes. he doesn't think he's ever seen her this happy about anything. the nervous chatter isn't new, but the excitement is. so too is the explanation of what she was "before" — he doesn't quite get it, not familiar enough with her history or what she's talking about to draw the right conclusion, but he doesn't need to know the full picture to understand the general idea.

it's about perception. about cognition, and the clash between society and the individual. whatever the devil did for Venus, it made her the person she is now, the same way that accepting the image of "villains" in the Metaverse did for the Thieves, and he's glad for that. ]

Well, then. If the devil is here, and you've found a way to contact her, then I suppose your intention is to offer the same thing to others? So that they can be happier, as you are. [ because she's been quite vocal about wanting people to feel the same freedom she does, they've talked about it themselves in a round-about way while he was hiding safely behind his mask— oh. ] And you... came to me first.

Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly it.

[ she can't help but smile at akechi as he says it like that. because it means he does understand - he gets it. she wants to reach out, and make contact with him in some way - grabbing his hand, or touching his shoulder, or-

but she doesn't do any of that. he likes his space, after all, and she respects that. instead, she laughs, and fiddles with her fingers, and try not to stare too long at him. she wants him to feel comfortable. she wants him to not feel pressure, for sure. but most importantly- ]

I want you to feel happy. You know?

[ the expression on his face is blank, overwhelmed by the strangeness of this entire situation (she wants to contact the devil on a radio and this will change people, physically, to make them happy) and the matter closer to heart (she's brought this to him because she wants him, specifically, to be happy in whatever way) and it takes seconds for him to answer. for once, he's at a loss for words. without the safety net of his fake personality to fall back on, he has nothing to fill the honest silences. ]

I don't— [ he falters. Akechi never falters, and that's unusual enough on its own, but more than that: ] I don't even know what that would mean.

[ before now, he would have felt that it was meaningless; that there was no purpose in being "happy" and that it was a shallow, fanciful ideal anyway. happiness is incompatible with survival. and since every part of his identity was constructed for the sake of survival, he wasn't even sure if he was capable of ever being happy.

his perspective on the matter has shifted, but the outcome is the same. now, he's not sure that he deserves to be happy. oh, he'll live. he will continue without that mercenary drive to adapt for society's approval, and he'll make something out of his second chance — because he has to. he neither needs nor wants forgiveness, but he has to make strides towards redemption, to meliorate the guilt. it just seems as though personal happiness should be incompatible with that. ]

You don't have to know. You just have to grab at it.

[ her voice is soft, encouraging. for the first time in this conversation, maybe for the first time since akechi's known her, she sounds every bit like the devil she claims to be. ]

Is it something you want?

Edited 2018-09-29 00:55 (UTC)

[ he's never heard this confidence from her. she's been coaxing, at times, but not this piercing. he's vaguely familiar with the Biblical story of the serpent in Eden. ]

I...

[ the removal of his Palace, of everything that formed the foundations of it, didn't make him a different person, or a good person. self-flagellation isn't in his nature. questions of being deserving or not deserving, the pursuit of redemption, that's — he knows he's constructing that too. not to garner approval or meet some nebulous external standard, but to manage the guilt.

in all honesty, as he is right now, not remade but refocused, then— ]

Yes.

[ it's reluctant. but he is selfish at heart, and he wants... he just wants for this to be easier, that's all. something central to him has been stolen, and in its absence he feels like the net has been removed from under a tightrope he's been walking his whole life. if the devil could make him into something worthwhile, then he would let her. ]

Haha. I'm glad. Maybe that's kind of weird to say? But- I'm really, really glad.

[ for a moment, her hands hover in place - like she wants to reach out, to hold his hand in hers. but they drop back to her side after a moment, and then she refocuses her attention elsewhere: picking up the radio, gently bending it into a loop. ]

The antenna needs to make a circuit to really pick things up with enough range. Usually, we had a couple, so we could set it up as a relay? But we've only got one crystal to pick things up with, so we're kind of working with what we've got.

[ her hands keep working as she speaks, and soon she's turned the radio - if that's really what it is - into something else entirely. she lays it gingerly on the ground, fiddling with one of the wires wrapped around the galena, and takes a seat before looking up at akechi. ]

Are you okay with this?

[ he sits down across from her, none of his anxiety shown on his expression — but nothing to replace it, either. there's no attempt to soften himself, to appear more approachable or charming, and in the absence of that his face is a blank slate. ]

Yeah. [ even if he doesn't really understand, fully, what all of this means, and even if he suspects this isn't what the Thieves would want him to do; even if this is selfish, or cowardly, or wrong: ] I don't know that she'll actually be able to [ fix ] help me, but — yes, I'm okay with it.

[ with his distortion gone, he hardly thinks the devil will be able to make anything worse out of him, since his heart is no longer corrupted. if she's supposed to make him happy with himself, then surely she'd have to give him something to mitigate the guilt and the unease and the confusion. and she made Venus, didn't she, who is comfortable with herself and happy and... has a kind of clarity about her that Akechi has never possessed in his life. he has no desire to be rewritten entirely. all he wants is for things to make sense. ]

[ it's only this close to him that she notices for the first time, full and clear. something's different - good? bad? she can't tell. there's a small spike of worry inside her, a flutter of butterflies that vanishes almost as quickly. the devil will know what to do. and even if she doesn't, they'll figure it out. that's something they can do now. ]

If she can't, then maybe- there's nothing wrong to begin with? [ no, that's not right- ] Or maybe that's always been the case. She's not changing us at all, she's stopping the world to let us be who we've always been.

[ she adjusts the wires, the radio coming on in a burst of static. like this, raw and exposed, it's easy to change the wavelength. she can do it with one hand, even! and with her other hand she reaches out to akechi, palm up. ]

It- works better if we hold hands. [ that sounds really fake. ] I'm not trying to be weird, I promise. Just- try to think about reaching her? That'll help the station come through.

[ there's a moment where he hesitates — but it's just an awkward pause over placing his hand in hers, nothing to do with their plan. it's terribly ordinary of him in a way that he usually does his best to smooth over, tucked away neatly under the surface.

his palm settles atop hers lightly, and he wonders if he would have agreed to this if it were anyone but Venus offering just because of how ridiculous it feels with the two of them sitting here like children playing with the occult. she's already seen him drunk, at least, so this is hardly worse. ]

Alright. I'm focusing. [ that part of the instruction makes perfect sense to him. it's no different from the Metaverse and the impact thoughts have there. ] How... does this work? Does she talk to us, or...

[ Yaldabaoth wasn't interested in what Akechi had to say. maybe he should have more reservations about something with divine power reaching out to grant him some kind of gift again, but it had never been a choice, with Yaldabaoth. he saw that Akechi was angry, probably saw that he was stupid and worthless and easy to manipulate, and he'd pushed that power on him because he knew exactly how it would end. if what the Devil is offering him is a choice, then isn't that different? doesn't it matter if he chooses to walk into this with his eyes open for once? ]

Sometimes? Usually. Maybe. [ she's not exactly a picture of confidence here, is she. ] I've only let her through once. Usually we skipped past, but-

[ a single fragment comes through. the words aren't intelligible through the static, but that voice - oh, that voice. venus would know the devil's voice anywhere. it's a part of her, wrapped through her and all around her and all inside her. and now, she's a part of it too.

the hand under akechi's squeezes tight. venus closes her eyes fast, focusing on that voice with all her might. she is the devil, and the devil is her. the devil wants to be let in, because she wants to be let in, and they just have to work a little farther to break that wall. her fingers twitch inscrutably, tiny adjustments to wires and wavelengths, and then- ]

There you are.
[ she sounds... soft. sad. relieved. so many things all at once. she tries to stop thinking about herself - about memories of the summer scouts, and holding jupiter and neptune's hands, and hearing the devil's voice, not just hearing it but listening, for the very first time. this is for akechi, after all, not her- ]

Oh, darling. Cry all you need. I have room for the both of you.
[ is she crying? she's smiling, so she shouldn't be crying. but she draws in one ragged breath, and then another, and by the time the tears are coming down there's no way around it. ]

[ she's so excited she can hardly breathe and she doesn't know what to do about it. the radio doesn't just work because of its range, it's because the devil is here, she's really here and she's watching over them and she still wants the best for them. just like she always has. she can barely hold herself back from leaping through the halls, pumping her wings and flying and making a scene of herself.

but akechi wouldn't want that. and that's the only reason she walks slowly, her wings extended to shield akechi from the world around him. he's still hurting - he's finished, but he's not finished. ]

Just a bit longer. Okay? We're almost there.

[ her wing curls around him, soft and warm. there's blood all over her, her shirt and her jumpsuit and her wings, and her eyes have to keep blinking and hold themselves shut to make sure none gets into a sensitive spot. but it doesn't matter. maybe now, he can start to heal.

they make it to erika's room. venus tries not to pound on the door, but it's hard not to. there's so much to go over, after all. so much that's building up in her brain. ]

Erika? Erika, are you there? We need to come in!

[ they've got a lot of work to do. ]

Edited 2018-09-28 05:12 (UTC)

[The days spin closer to something unpleasantly promised. Erika itches. She retreats, and obsesses. Her involvement in the Metaverse, recent disappearances, spaceships, Project Mnemosyne, then just do it, noise piles up and crashes and she quarantines the mess with a decisive hand.

There's only so much time in the day and only so much room in her head. The rest spills out into temporary chaos. The door hisses open to a VR set liberated from the bar and exploded across the ground, and Li wearing a tangle of wires and looking like history's roundest Egyptian pharoah and/or an alien with splendid antennae, and a tidy stack of dirty dishes on the desk.

And Erika, who would be lying on the bed ruminating if she weren't now sitting bolt upright, jaw dropped to gasp in alarm at the smell of blood and sight of mussed feathers. Li looks up, poofs to twice her size, and bounds into the bathroom.]

Venus! [What the fuck??]

Erika! [ she doesn't really notice how alarming she must look - not immediately, at least. there's too many other things she has to say, after all. she needs to explain the plan, and show erika the radio, and make the same offer she made for akechi - help her the same way she's helping akechi right now. and it's this that she starts trying to stutter out. ] I, um- I found a radio, and it works, and...

[ it finally sinks in- the look of horror on erika's face, the sudden absence of digimon. the blood smeared over her wings and chest and shirt. ]

Oh my god. [ oh, she must look terrifying. ] Oh my god, no, okay, it's- it's okay! We're both okay. I mean, Akechi is- he's still hurting a lot, I'm pretty sure, but it's going to get better?? It just, this can take a little time...

[ slowly, almost hesitantly, her wings drop from their protective hold on akechi. feathers and eyes fold back into place, and akechi - in all his fearsome, pitiable glory - comes into view.

ah. ]

Erika, the devil's here. Maybe she's been here all along. And- we can talk to her, now.

[THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN ALL AT ONCE.

She is absolutely, positively, still even after Venus blurts out something in the approximate shape of an explanation, expecting someone - okay, not someone, Akechi, god damn - to drop dead in the middle of the room. That's about to happen. Any minute now.

She looks from one to the other, rapidly back and forth and back.]

Are you sure? [She absolutely believes that Venus is sure. The question is for her own comfort, as she slides off of her bed and walks a wide and careful circle around her visitors, big-eyed, to examine them.] Akechi?

[does that hurt????]

[ once, he would have hated to be seen like this. and he's still not happy about it now, even with his heart stolen and the devil singing in his veins, but it seems okay. it's okay if he doesn't like it, but it's okay to be seen, too, because — like the devil said to him, how can he ever know he's wanted if he doesn't let people look?

and if it's Erika, then that's fine. he's well-aware that he's something of a gruesome sight right now, though: the front of his jumpsuit absolutely drenched through with blood from where Venus had needed to help him pry himself open in the most literal sense; the first pair of black-feathered wings still slick and feebly unfurling on his back, a second peeking through his hair, the skin still peeling away along his neck to make room for downy feathers there; face pale and flushed at once with the heat burning its way through him. ]

I'm alright. [ his voice comes out as a wheeze, despite his best attempts to be reassuring. ] It hurts, but it's... it's a little like— having a tooth pulled? I know it's going to be better afterwards.

Yeah. Don't worry, Akechi, it's gonna stop hurting. I promise.

[ there's a moment of affection shared there, fingers on feathers. she runs them gently along his back, helping distinguish each feather with as soft a touch as she can muster. when she speaks again to erika, her voice is still soft. ]

Crap. Shit. I'm really sorry, Erika? I didn't really think about- how this might look. But Akechi's okay. He's going to be a lot better than okay, soon.

[ she reaches the bottom of one wing. gently, her initial excitement tempered some by how frightening this must look to erika, she goes back and starts from the top of one wing again. ]

The devil came to him and he didn't push her away. Maybe that- doesn't make sense? But it's the same thing that happened with me. [ and jupiter, and neptune, she doesn't add. ] And- I wanted to ask you too. I think we both kind of did.

[Something about the, uh. The uh. The preening flusters Erika; maybe it's that she's still holding her astonishment over Akechi's appearance when she notices it, spinning that plate, that necessarily intimate space that human pain creates where you can look at it and away from it simultaneously, and then the movement jumps out and jabs her in the eye. Are you looking? You're looking. And it's not that it's bad, or incriminating, or even that it doesn't make sense in the moment - everyone's touchy around here, it's how they deal, even hot-and-cold Erika isn't lacking for cuddles lately - it's just.

One is a point, two is a pattern, and Erika is revising some understandings of the Devil. Not like that. But maybe like that, if that's one kind of breaking-down, and if the breaking-down process is more part of all of this than she'd assumed from Venus' explanations, if Akechi's wound isn't actually a wound after all. If the Devil, that force/phenomenon/metadata, is responsible for the clear clear air between the two of them, that Erika can see through so well but has trouble looking at clearly.

It's reasonable to be a little bit flustered. Three's a bit of a crowd.

Also there's a Digimon in the bathroom listening to this?

Akechi won't be needing to lie down while she busts out the emergency painkillers, is what she's gradually concluding, and Venus hands her something else to conclude after that. She stands and blinks and feels sort of small, wanting but unwilling to sit on the floor or in the chair or do anything but stand right there on the spot and perhaps fiddle with the fabric over her shoulder and process the implications of what's being offered.]

Ask me...if I wanted to? [Obvious questions fielding obvious answers. Still, it needs mulling. The room is a space whirling off its axis, blown out of course by a pair of impossible presences and a barely-dividing gap of clarity/unclarity, and in the face of all that, Erika feels a sudden, weighty trepidation. Here? Now? How? Why? What? What next? Traded for what? She knows what it did for Venus, and for Akechi it's hard to tell beyond the obvious but she knows enough to guess why he'd go for it, but if it were her -

- well. She has problems. Don't they all?

But the alternative to having them isn't a freedom worth consideration.

What would happen? What would happen?]

Yeah. If you wanted to... talk to her, I guess. Like we did.

[ her hand draws away from akechi, reaches over to the shoulder one wing is furled around, and pulls out the radio. it must be the radio, at least, as it does have all the component parts - galena, wiring, even an antenna. but it's nothing like any radio from any other world. it's weapon and wand in one, and as venus holds it in her hands it whispers in static and garbled sounds. ]

It's sort of- a lot? Like, to think about. I get if you don't want it, and you never have to take it, or anything like that. But I wanted to at least ask you first. [ and then, without giving herself the time to doubt or worry about it- ] Because you're someone important to me. To both of us, I think.

CLOSED; a new apple

AKECHI

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I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR TAG I'M FUCKIN DYING, MY BAD??

ERIKA

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