closed; one last lesson

[merging]

» WHO? Ezra Bridger and Kanan Jarrus
» WHEN? Directly after this
» WHERE? The gym!
» WHAT? Kanan and Ezra spar together to work through FEELINGS
» WARNINGS? mentions of death??? parental loss?? sad

[The way there had been quiet. Ezra feels mad at himself for not being able to say anything, and also for this being a thing in the first place. He doesn't want Kanan to worry about him, in fact he wants the opposite of that. He wants everything to be fine and normal and not possibly destroying the future they fought for. 

When they get to the gym, he removes his cloak because as cool as it might make him look, Ezra knows he's a bit clumsy for a Jedi. He leaves his saber on him because maybe they'll end up doing something with that.]

So, uh. We're just... doing this? We could also work on forms or you could throw stuff at me, like old times.

Comments

[kanyounot]

[ Wanting it to be fine and normal isn't going to make it so, that's for sure. Kanan doesn't know exactly what's eating Ezra, but he can make some educated guesses. Still, he doesn't want his (former?) apprentice letting something bother him like this - especially not something having to do with him. One way or another, he's going to have to get it off his chest.

Maybe letting out some aggression will help. ]

Throwing things at you was always Chopper and Zeb's area of expertise. Anyway, wouldn't you rather try to hit me?

[ Kanan drops into a defensive stance to give him the opportunity. ]

[merging]

[Honestly, he'd rather do something else. But this is what they're doing. This is what Kanan wants to do.]

Sure.

[Most of Ezra's experience in this type of fighting comes from the years before he met Kanan, doing whatever he could to survive. For the most part, he tried to stay out of anything that involved an actual fight because hey, he knew his strengths, but he still picked up a few things here and there.

None of this shows in his attempt to hit Kanan. He aims for his chest rather halfheartedly, a move his master could easily dodge.]

[kanyounot]

[ That... was pathetic. Kanan thought, maybe if Ezra is angry with him he could take out some of that aggression... but no. He ducks away from the blow, frowning. Scowling, almost. ]

Talk to me. If you need to tell me what happened, then tell me.

[ He hesitates a moment, then shakes his head. ]

I'm going to die. That's it, isn't it?

[merging]

[He can't answer him. He can't lie either. There's this huge heavy ball of something forming in his stomach, that he realizes might have been there this whole time. Since it happened.

It was easier when he had a purpose. Or even when he had the others. It was easier when he told himself he was letting go, just like he was supposed to.

It wasn't so easy with Kanan standing right in front of him. He had tried to act like nothing had changed, but obviously he'd done a pretty terrible job at that.]

We go back to Lothal. You save us. You... complete the mission. [And a part of him wonders if that really matters. He'd rather have Kanan back.] I thought- I thought I could save you. Even before we ended up here. I wanted to. And when I saw you here, I... [Ezra's voice wavers, and he tries to hold back the tears he feels building up.] I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision.

[kanyounot]

[ Kanan considers Ezra's words for a moment. ]

I'm not. Scared, that is. I trust you. And I did warn you, didn't I? That there would be losses. That you can't stop them, you can't commit to a cause like ours and expect to save everyone.

[ He reaches out, grips Ezra's shoulder. ]

Sometimes we have to sacrifice for a greater good. What's my life, against the lives of everyone on Lothal?

[merging]

[That's what he had thought too, as he called the purrgil. If he could save Lothal, it'd be worth it. And yet...

Ezra had also been willing to sacrifice Lothal and the lives of his friends to save Kanan. And he would've done it if Ahsoka hadn't stopped him.]

I don't want to lose you. I know that's selfish, and I know you'll always be with me, like my parents. But it doesn't help. Not always. Not lately. I keep telling myself I have to let go, I have to move on, I have to do this and this and this! And you all make it sound a lot easier than it is. Like whatever's wrong is something wrong with me.

[kanyounot]

There's nothing wrong with you, Ezra. Nothing at all.

[ Kanan frowns a little. ]

There's nothing wrong with missing the people you love. With wishing you could've changed how things turned out, found a way to not lose them. That's not bad, or wrong. It just means you love them. As long as you do that, and you try not to lose sight of why we did what we did - the meaning behind the loss - I know you'll be all right.

[merging]

But what if you knew you could save someone? And you didn't. Isn't that- [Bad, is what he wants to say.] Like what if you knew you could save your master? Or Hera, or-

You made the decision to save us. Or you will. And I know you won't regret it, but it was the right decision, wasn't it? Because we're Jedi. We save people. Right?

[kanyounot]

[ Kanan's heart goes out to his Padawan. It shouldn't be a choice Ezra has to make. He'll grieve for his loss, sure, but he shouldn't be conflicted about it. He shouldn't feel responsible for it. ]

Jedi try to protect the innocent. But we also serve a greater good. And sometimes, serving that greater good means sacrificing.

[ He sighs, and lets his heart ache for a moment, for the future he won't have. ]

I don't want to die. I want to be there when you and Sabine come into your own, to know the amazing adults you're becoming. I want to help Zeb help his people, and know how he heals. I want to grow old with Hera. But none of that would happen anyway if the Empire isn't stopped. If we allow the suffering they cause to go unchecked.

My point is, it's not easy, but you know the right thing to do. You'll make the right decisions, too.

[merging]

I thought I did. I... I chose not to save you. I could have. I know I could have. I could've saved my parents, Kanan. But I didn't.

I thought I made the right decision. I thought I was finding the place where I was needed most, like you did. And it feels weird to talk about myself like this, like I'm some big hero, but... I guess I sacrificed myself too. And I know now that Lothal will be free.

But then I end up here. I think, okay, just another weird Force thing with time travel and different dimensions, sure. I can handle that.

But then you showed up. And I don't... I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[kanyounot]

Maybe you're not supposed to do anything?

[ Kanan shrugs, and gives Ezra's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. ]

Maybe my being here is just to let you know that you did the right thing, and I'm proud of you for it. Maybe that's it.

[merging]

But isn't that- it's too...

[Too easy. Too nice, even. He sighs.]

Something feels wrong. I'm happy to see you, Kanan. I really am. But I don't know how to describe it.

[kanyounot]

I didn't say I think that's the only reason why we're here.

[ He tilts his head for a moment, almost as if listening. ]

There's absolutely something wrong about this place, this situation. I'd say we're here to help fix it, somehow. Or I hope we are.

[merging]

Yeah... yeah.

[But it doesn't make him feel any better. Or any different, really.]

Thanks, Kanan. For everything. I might still- [He sighs again, which kinda sums it all up.] Yeah. This is weird. Maybe not as weird as the last time I saw you but? Still weird.