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reverielogs2018-07-01 07:57 pm
reveriemod) wrote in reverielogs2018-07-01 07:57 pm
Entry tags:
- !mod-event,
- !open,
- altered carbon: takeshi kovacs,
- angel sanctuary: sakuya kira,
- belgariad/malloreon: garion irongrip,
- castlevania: adrian ţepeş,
- danganronpa: gundam tanaka,
- dark angel: max guevara,
- dbh: connor,
- dceu: diana prince,
- devilman crybaby: akira fudo,
- devilman crybaby: ryo asuka,
- homestuck: dave strider,
- homestuck: terezi pyrope,
- kingdom hearts: aqua,
- marvel comics: kamala khan,
- mcu: daisy johnson,
- mcu: elektra natchios,
- mcu: steve rogers,
- mcu: wanda maximoff,
- original: haruto saitou,
- penny dreadful: vanessa ives,
- persona: haru okumura,
- persona: jun kurosu,
- persona: minato arisato,
- persona: ren amamiya,
- persona: yusuke kitagawa,
- star wars: bodhi rook,
- star wars: revan,
- stormlight archives: jasnah kholin,
- the expanse: josephus miller,
- the expanse: prax meng,
- the fall: arid,
- the last ship: mike slattery,
- tinker tailor soldier spy: ricki tarr,
- wildstorm comics: midnighter,
- wktd: jupiter,
- wktd: venus,
- xcu: erik lehnsherr,
- xcu: hank mccoy,
- xcu: raven darkholme,
- xcu: rogue
( 003 » ENSEMBLE ) party time.
» WHO? Everyone
» WHEN? July 1 to July 8
» WHERE? Entire Station
» WHAT? 168 hours of being forced to listen to cheesy music on repeat…
» WARNINGS? the mundane and slightly ridiculous becoming terrible, cheesy pop music, forced sleep deprivation, anger, loss of control, emotions, potential for stabbing, hallucinations, mania, memory loss, confusion, seizures, depression.
It starts in the mess hall and it starts slowly. At first, it can barely be heard over the conversations that are happening but as the volume increases, it becomes apparent that music is playing. Not just any music: characters from Earth will recognise these pop hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s. They’re the kind of hits one might find on a Spotify playlist titled “Top 100 Cheesy Hits” or “Songs To Sing To In The Shower”. Power ballads. Boy bands. Girl bands. Woodstock.
Soon, the music can be heard all across the station, blasting from every speaker, audible in every room. Characters who were asleep in their quarters will be woken by the music’s volume, characters under the shower might want to start singing along (but remember, the walls might just be thin enough for the neighbours to hear) and if characters clear some chairs, there’s enough space in the bar for an impromptu dance floor.
Some characters have been working on improving the replicators, too, so while the alcohol supplies at the bar are dwindling and all but gone, the replicators are now capable of making something that’s palatable, even if it’s not quite up to scratch.
What’s the harm in having some fun? It’s just a little music, right?
It’s just a little music, right? And it is — but it just won’t seem to stop. The first few hours may have been entertaining, at least for those who did not get woken up by the sound of decades (centuries, even) in the past, but the music keeps going long past the point of entertainment.
After two hours, the songs start repeating. After six hours, they’re still playing. After twelve? Still playing. Twenty-four? Still playing.
Sleep becomes all but impossible as the music keeps playing loudly in every room and every corridor of the station. Attempts to shut it down prove unsuccessful.
Forty-eight hours later, the music is still playing.
Characters will begin to suffer the effects of sleep deprivation, in addition to the general irritation that might come from hearing the same two hours worth of cheesy pop songs on a loop: headaches, exhaustion, tremors, irritability and confusion to begin with, followed by lapses in memory, muscle aches, malaise, violent behaviour, hallucinations or mania as cognitive effects set in, possibly also seizures and depression.
And still, the music keeps playing.
The music and the sleep deprivation it causes are the reason for many of the symptoms people are feeling, but something is happening that goes even beyond the music, beyond the lack of sleep: something has changed about the food replicators.
The food is slowly getting better, for one, thanks to a group of individuals who’ve been working on improving them. Beyond that, however, imperceptible, the composition of the food comes with something extra -- namely heightened emotions. Whatever causes it, it’s in the water, too.
Those who are already angry feel angrier and have a harder time controlling that anger. Those who are already sad feel sadder and have a harder time not bursting into tears. Those who are already apathetic feel more apathetic and have a harder time prompting themselves to so much as move. The effect holds for all emotions, heightening them, making them harder to control or counteract. Impulses become action far more quickly than usual. Irritation at the music may become anger at the person singing along under their breath and that, in turn, may lead to someone getting stabbed with a plastic fork.
It’s nearly impossible to keep a cool head, though some people seem more affected than others.
OOC: This part of the plot is completely opt-in. Whatever characters are feeling will be heightened and strengthened and their impulse control lowered. Make sure to get ooc permission for any stabby action of comparable deeds, and keep in mind that non-con is prohibited in game.
After 168 hours, the music stops. Whatever was in the water and the food is gone again, meaning characters may never know it was there in the first place. After all, some of the effects of it could have been down to the sleep deprivation as well…
Still, there’s something off about the whole thing. It might seem like someone is watching them. Toying with them. But surely that’s just paranoia, right?
In the aftermath of sleep deprivation and poor impulse control, characters might want to get some sleep or try to mend those relationships that were damaged by careless words or people getting creative with the cutlery.
Please remember to put warnings in subject lines if so required.
» WHEN? July 1 to July 8
» WHERE? Entire Station
» WHAT? 168 hours of being forced to listen to cheesy music on repeat…
» WARNINGS? the mundane and slightly ridiculous becoming terrible, cheesy pop music, forced sleep deprivation, anger, loss of control, emotions, potential for stabbing, hallucinations, mania, memory loss, confusion, seizures, depression.
0 0 1 » LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED
It starts in the mess hall and it starts slowly. At first, it can barely be heard over the conversations that are happening but as the volume increases, it becomes apparent that music is playing. Not just any music: characters from Earth will recognise these pop hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s. They’re the kind of hits one might find on a Spotify playlist titled “Top 100 Cheesy Hits” or “Songs To Sing To In The Shower”. Power ballads. Boy bands. Girl bands. Woodstock.
Soon, the music can be heard all across the station, blasting from every speaker, audible in every room. Characters who were asleep in their quarters will be woken by the music’s volume, characters under the shower might want to start singing along (but remember, the walls might just be thin enough for the neighbours to hear) and if characters clear some chairs, there’s enough space in the bar for an impromptu dance floor.
Some characters have been working on improving the replicators, too, so while the alcohol supplies at the bar are dwindling and all but gone, the replicators are now capable of making something that’s palatable, even if it’s not quite up to scratch.
What’s the harm in having some fun? It’s just a little music, right?
( ♪ )
0 0 2 » I WANT OFF THIS RIDE
It’s just a little music, right? And it is — but it just won’t seem to stop. The first few hours may have been entertaining, at least for those who did not get woken up by the sound of decades (centuries, even) in the past, but the music keeps going long past the point of entertainment.
After two hours, the songs start repeating. After six hours, they’re still playing. After twelve? Still playing. Twenty-four? Still playing.
Sleep becomes all but impossible as the music keeps playing loudly in every room and every corridor of the station. Attempts to shut it down prove unsuccessful.
Forty-eight hours later, the music is still playing.
Characters will begin to suffer the effects of sleep deprivation, in addition to the general irritation that might come from hearing the same two hours worth of cheesy pop songs on a loop: headaches, exhaustion, tremors, irritability and confusion to begin with, followed by lapses in memory, muscle aches, malaise, violent behaviour, hallucinations or mania as cognitive effects set in, possibly also seizures and depression.
And still, the music keeps playing.
( ♪ )
0 0 3 » THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE WATER
The music and the sleep deprivation it causes are the reason for many of the symptoms people are feeling, but something is happening that goes even beyond the music, beyond the lack of sleep: something has changed about the food replicators.
The food is slowly getting better, for one, thanks to a group of individuals who’ve been working on improving them. Beyond that, however, imperceptible, the composition of the food comes with something extra -- namely heightened emotions. Whatever causes it, it’s in the water, too.
Those who are already angry feel angrier and have a harder time controlling that anger. Those who are already sad feel sadder and have a harder time not bursting into tears. Those who are already apathetic feel more apathetic and have a harder time prompting themselves to so much as move. The effect holds for all emotions, heightening them, making them harder to control or counteract. Impulses become action far more quickly than usual. Irritation at the music may become anger at the person singing along under their breath and that, in turn, may lead to someone getting stabbed with a plastic fork.
It’s nearly impossible to keep a cool head, though some people seem more affected than others.
OOC: This part of the plot is completely opt-in. Whatever characters are feeling will be heightened and strengthened and their impulse control lowered. Make sure to get ooc permission for any stabby action of comparable deeds, and keep in mind that non-con is prohibited in game.
( ♪ )
0 0 4 » AFTERMATH
After 168 hours, the music stops. Whatever was in the water and the food is gone again, meaning characters may never know it was there in the first place. After all, some of the effects of it could have been down to the sleep deprivation as well…
Still, there’s something off about the whole thing. It might seem like someone is watching them. Toying with them. But surely that’s just paranoia, right?
In the aftermath of sleep deprivation and poor impulse control, characters might want to get some sleep or try to mend those relationships that were damaged by careless words or people getting creative with the cutlery.
( ♪ )
no subject
But this is also Ren? It's the only person that he's ever really truly trusted every part of himself to, knowing that Ren has seen his literal triumphs and his critical failures. It's not like their lives are cellphones, when you can just download an app when you get tired of one facet of the device, they're bros through and through, and it bothers Ryuji to know that the distance was something that was needed. He doesn't know how to put it into words; that being avoided like this was a darkness that wanted to take over his heart and he's never known how to deal with that shit alone.
And crying in public? Whatever. People can think whatever the hell they want about him as long as the people who actually matter know who he is. Even if this is a new chance at a new life, he still doesn't care about his reputation as much as he cares about his friends- and certainly, as he looks over at Ren's utterly fatigued visage, he feels a pang of guilt for all the things that he couldn't control rise up inside him with a responsible weight. He should've been stronger, better, whatever.
The game starts up, but Ryuji can't keep his concentration on it. He's always thought of himself as Ren's 2P, but sitting here, like this, it just doesn't feel like any of this exchange is really right, and for someone that so deeply relies on the feeling of something happening rather than its implications, he's weary. Like a fisherman who knows that a storm is coming and decides to go out into the sea anyway the morning after, tidal pulls be damned or not. A Hemingway figure in his own regard, Ryuji's lack of understanding toward emotional states unless directly referred to rears its ugly head and--- oh.]
Lean on me, then. 'Cause this way, the way I see it... if we go down, at least it'll be together.
how dare you pull out the decemberists against me
Cracked open, spilling from the seams, what else could Ren do to hide from almost guaranteed shipwrecks and the debasement of who Ren is as a person if not to actually hide. Ren is more solitary, able to be alone with himself and not give in to the rolling tide of darkness that would drown Ryuji after long, but it's so cold to subject him to it. Ren understood it was a risk to not so much push Ryuji back as simply remove himself. The problem being, of course, that when you're as close as can be and supporting one another's weight, taking out one pillar will collapse the other and suddenly Ryuji's crying jag earlier looks a lot worse.
The backs of his eyes burning, Ren screws up a silent fuck you at the music and if he doesn't mean to leave the signal is half getting to his limbs, which jerk uselessly on the ground. He's tired, he's so damn tired and five minutes or so of cat naps over - god, how many days has it been? Whatever, none of it is enough. The marginally softer songs don't last long enough and Ren can't be close enough to Ryuji.
Why does he have to say that? Why can't it wait, a storm deferred til a time when every window and door in the seaside town wasn't thrown wide open? And Ren can recapture it inside the bottle and everything's fine.
It's his fault. It's his fault.
Maybe that's how Ren reasons it and how unfair he's been toward his best friend into sinking himself and taking Ryuji's invitation as literally as can be taken. In the midst of twisting another thread of logic in the tapestry Ren blinks and finds himself already there on Ryuji's shoulder. Maybe it's the surety that if he did hear that and still walked away, he'd have lost something fundamental that apologies later wouldn't retrieve. ]
f'I lost you I'd probably want to die anyway. I was- [ Sniff. ] I'm afraid.
yo can you meet me on my vast veranda
But he's not angry about it, either, nothing really lingers with permanence when it comes to Ryuji. It's enough to provide a reason and then he's fine again. There are so few times in his life that he's actually held a long-lasting grudge for anything, and he could count each of those people in less than a hand. And even then, the grudge wasn't because of a deep hatred of anything, it was just confusion, an impossibility at understanding motive or how certain things could deviate from the ideal state of the world. So sure, even if he cried his eyes out over a bowl of ramen earlier, and felt like absolute shit... just sitting there and not walking away from him is pretty much enough to reconcile pretty much everything.
He doesn't budge an inch when Ren takes his place against his shoulder.]
What're you afraid of, dude?
no subject
He's never been able to lie to Ryuji, either. Not by any promise he made, but it was an unspoken sort of thing when a guy's worldview spun on complete honesty, the corollary that if this is gonna be your guy you have to be on the level. No one's tried to keep up with Ren or slowed down and stuck out his hand, make sure everything was okay with him than Ryuji, so why's this feel so much worse to commit to the air? Because it's under duress? Isn't it still true?
He was only thinking of any of this because of Yusuke and Haru. ]
Saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing.
Haru slapped me a day... two days..? Ago. I dunno. Her fuse just blew and she said she was sorry and she didn't mean it but you know how awful you feel when something happens and it wasn't really under your control.
Hurting her friends isn't like her. But -
[ Ren spends too long picking at the skin around his nails. Waiting for a stay of execution. When it doesn't come he nods, pulls away to carry his own damn weight as Ren hugs his knees like he hasn't since he was in middle school and summarily buries his face into them. ]
I was more afraid of doing something I wanted to. And you're a pretty good bro but you're not that good, y'know.
no subject
'M guessin' your womanizing ways finally caught up with ya, dude. [He's not serious about that at all, his tone tired and yet still playful around the edges. Ren's not like that at all, and they both know it. A hand reaches upward, loosening a grip around his shoulder, patting a little bit.
On a more serious note though-] Probably. I dunno. I think everyone's pretty raw right about now. Like we were all oranges waiting to be peeled and now the station's gone and figured out how to make some sweet ass OJ offa us.
[AKA - don't take it to heart too much. He knows Haru will regret what she did, and they shouldn't let that sort of stuff between friends hurt their relative positions to each other. Ryuji has endless optimism for his in group. Even as Ren folds in on himself, literally. Which isn't where he thought this was going to go, honestly, but... whatever, they can work through shit no matter what it takes.
His tired eyes watch, then, as he brings his knees up to his chest and out of his reach. It's enough to say that he doesn't really like seeing him like this, but he also doesn't know the correct social protocol to move forward here. Does he rub his back? Ruffle his hair? Maybe he should keep his goddamn hands to himself for once.]
Huh? I don't... I don't understand, man.
no subject
Yeah real bad. My first kiss ended in a juice box getting dumped on my head so it was only uphill from there, and now the fall.
[ he hears the words and yeah it makes a lot of sense, what Ryuji's saying. A very unique kind of pressure cooker that they're all sitting in until they're presumably all done and ready to... be eaten..? Fuck. Look out at the stars on the observation deck and it looks like salt, right? Shit were they gonna be eaten?
Ren would almost rather that than continue with this conversation. God or a space alien or a supernova just take him now and he'll owe you big. How could you miss this giant blinking fucking neon sign above his head, Ryuji. How could you do him like this.
He's just. just. Not gonna look. Ren is barely conscious and too awake at the same time and of course it's going to come out in the most dramatic way possible cuz he's Joker. It simply remains to be seen what the reaction will be and Ren isn't keen on lifting his head right about now. ]
I love you, you moron.
[ That's "aishiteru" not "daisuki" this time. Do Ren a favor and space his Jdrama ass on your way out the door, gotta go fast to outrun them feelings. ]
Don't feel obligated to anything. 'Mjust messed up and emotional over this shitty week and once it's over y'can go back to not knowing anything. Pretend you never heard it.
Just, you know. I didn't want you thinking I made you cry into your ramen cuz I hate you. Cuz I don't.
no subject
And sometimes houses are just... dropped on you.
Ryuji's been battling with his own conceptualization of masculinity and his own sexuality for long enough to know that he doesn't really... know much of anything about himself, honestly. And if you can't know yourself, how well can you really know others? Ryuji feels the warmth rise up to his cheeks, incapable of processing much of anything aside from that little turn of phrase and.
God.
Just.
God.
It's like he's just got his cinderella license and he's out on the freeway for the first time, and sees the warning for the exit sign. 5 km away. 3 km away. 1 km away. 1/2 km away. Holy fuck, you idiot, this is the turn you're supposed to make. And then drives right past it, only to discover that there's no u-turn, and no exit for another hour or so. And right now? His gas tank's on E, but... how could he miss those signs? Things start to piece together in passing- the color of the boards, the metal that was holding them up, the trees that surrounded it in a passing blur. He missed his exit a long time ago, and never knew that Ren was in love with him. And that's what hurts the most.
A less mature Ryuji would stand up, make some excuse that he had to go, that there was something he needed to take care of, just to save the both of them face, just to give himself a moment to actually fucking breathe and make sense of all of this. But Ren's affect on him has made its mark, the calling card buried in his heart to face things that seem too tough to handle head on. This realization is a lot, this confession... he can put himself in Ren's shoes and. God. Just, god.
He doesn't feel that way in reciprocation, no matter how much he wants to. Ryuji sits there, uncharacteristically quietly, at first. Honesty, of course, is always the best course of action- and he shouldn't tell Ren that he doesn't feel that way towards other guys, because he knows that's not true, and if Ren believes that about him, then anything else that grew from it would blossom into an ugly flower that he can't live with himself for tending to in his own garden of emotions. He does, believe, and as much as Ren would probably smack himself upside the head for thinking and knowing so, that there's something somewhat broken about himself that being with Ren would highlight a relationship where one person constantly takes and the other gives. He thinks Ren deserves the world, and honestly, Ryuji is not the world.]
How long?
no subject
How long? Ryuji's stiffness underneath Ren's head is fresh in his memory and it clicks more with the heading "Stunned" over "Rejection", at least. It isn't like you can tell when the house is going drop or that you have any kind of control over it when you're just spinning inside the tornado, man. Maybe forever?
Ren takes a few deep breaths, now barely registering the music as anything but a dull drone past the blood rushing in his head, the hush that's come over his normally animated friend. He lifts his head, scrapes the heels of his hands over each eye and recovers pretty quickly to the way the light flares and takes a bit too long to resolve.
Ren's a soft spoken guy. He doesn't think he'll talk so much until it's gushing out of him, cuz Ryuji turned on the goddamn tap. ]
A long time, I think. When we got finished putting Yamauchi out of commission - it felt so good to get a win, like it was this big culmination of work we bent our heads together to get done and we did it, hell yeah. We sat around and got to talking about belonging, and I didn't have the heart to dispel this image you had of me, cuz we were celebrating, right?
You made me sound all cool and collected when I was just doing what I could to scrape by and hold my shit together every day at school. I put on a good show; it's what I do, Ryuji. And here you were acting like I was this perfect guy, and yeah I grew into someone that could pull all these people together toward me. We created a home for strays. And it was a good home. Still is.
It's not like I expected to fall for anyone. [ His memories. It's like... a thousand images pulling in, reconciling in his mind into this one possible picture and Ren wants that.. ] You just told me I belonged right next to you and I thought yeah, that sounds nice.
I dunno. You talk me up a lot, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Before you even knew me you helped me, you were the only person that helped me for months and months before that right up until we met Morgana. I wouldn't be anyone.
I'm not even talking about accidentally walking into Kamoshida's Palace, or all the times you put yourself between me and a huge ass Shadow that was gunning for me. It's everything else, man. Everybody'd written me off. My own parents did and you didn't, and it's like I realized that all at once before we went to go get ramen and laughed about how freakin' ugly Yamauchi was.
[ Ren smiles finally. Does Ryuji remember these times like he does? It's totally possible Ren's on his own in the middle of the stage wearing nothing, getting laughed at by thousands and thousands of incredulous Ryujis but he doesn't believe so and it shows in the warmth Ryuji could see there if he looked hard enough. How happy being near him makes Ren and the tenderness with which he cradles their friendship close like a flame that's keeping him going.
He looks at Ryuji, eyes heavy with sleeplessness, receding tears, and utter adoration. ]
You saved me.
no subject
Did he lead him on?
How did he not know?
Was he pulling him in closely without realizing it?
What a horrible thing to do to someone. All those times they spent alone, up in Ren's room, all those things that he said about where they belong. He meant every word of it, but Ryuji didn't think it would ever lead to this. How stupid he must've been, and how stupid is he now, sitting here next to him and hearing this for the first time. He always thought the one thing that he couldn't mess up was what they had. And here he was, never knowing a single hint that his best friend had fallen for him.
But really, would that have changed anything? He would've still stuck by his side. He would've still singled Ren out as someone more than worthy for him to risk his life for. Maybe some of it was projection in that Ryuji believed Ren was perfect because he needed something inherently good to latch onto, since his own ship was already wrecked and waiting on the ocean floor for the inevitability of a lonely, painful life. But mostly, it wasn't. And he needs to clear that up.]
I talk you up so much 'cause you really are the best person I've ever met. Even if you're struggling internally, it ain't like I don't notice it all the damn time, man. It's not about lookin' in the mirror and seeing something reflected back at you that's some cookie cutter shit. It's lookin' into that same mirror and knowing that even when you're smilin', you're giving everyone everything you got, even when you don't think you have it yourself to give. I mean.
[He can't look Ren in the eye when he says this sort of stuff. It's a deep, hard to bring up part of him that he doesn't really get, himself. He just knows it's there and he's trying to excavate it for both their sakes. A wrecked ship at the bottom of the ocean bed.]
We musta saved each other.
[Ren has to know where Ryuji's head was at before they met. He knows his entire life story- the nights of his childhood that he wanted so desperately to forget, the triumphs that he felt in fleeting moments and the crashes that came afterward. Ren gave him something that no one else in the world could've possibly given him. Hope to change things with your own hands. Ren, and his mom, are just. They're the strongest people he's ever known, and he wants to live up to being a person worthy to be in both their hearts, even when he knows how badly he fucks things up most of the time.]
It's just. I... [This part. It's really hard to say. He wishes, for just one, single moment, that he was decent at hiding his heart from anyone who stares directly into it. Maybe it would make some of this easier, but it's written on his tired, fatigued features that longed for just a little bit of rest more than what A2 could beat into him with.]
I don't... have those sorta feelings. And it's not even about us bein' two dudes, because... uh. Honestly, I kinda think I might be gay? I dunno, I can't figure shit out worth a damn to begin with, but.
I love you, Ren. I... I... just. I don't think that like. Those feelings... are the romantic type. And I'm sorry... y'know. God. [He rubs his hands across his face, feeling the urge to start crying again.] 'Cause I wish I could give you literally anything you ever wanted.
no subject
Still, he hoped. Maybe Ryuji meant something more. Maybe they'd reconnect after they both graduated and they matured and he'd see Ren from a little different of an angle. ]
Oh.
[ It wasn't for nothing - fuck, loving someone and being in love with them were separate things, felt no more sharply than in this moment. It doesn't mean that their friendship was bullshit, that the times they spent making sure the other didn't fall behind and staying up late texting about dumb shit to distract each other from an upcoming test and having sleep overs where they exhume the wasted remains of their respective shitty childhoods and try to find the nuggets of gold - those were all real. They weren't for nothing.
Just.
Oh.
What do I do now? ]
Um. That's -[ Stop, stop crying you idiot, it's not only about you. But Ren is crumpling in fast, furiously scraping at his eyes like it's going to hide or wash away the growing tide of tears, no chance of stemming an open stream once it's started. ] - that is, I'm glad you - you're figuring yourself out, and -
[ No chance. No chance no chance nochancenochance - ]
Y-you were okay w-with... telling me after I... m-made a fool of myself an-and put you on the s-spot.
Mmm. I'm. Happy for you. I r-really ammm.
[ It's not about you. It was never about you. Why, whywhywhy-
Ren's shrunk down into a shadow of himself, face buried back into his knees like it's the only thing holding him up from collapsing limply to the floo, shoulders wracked by silent sobs before a shuddery breath only enough to say. ]
M' sorry.
no subject
They don't fucking get it. But Ryuji does.
And here he is, for the first time, feeling a distance between the two that makes his core quake. He could never do this, or anything, alone, and the thought of rocks being thrown at the windows of the house he built for him and Ren to live in makes him question what type of person he really is deep down.
Fuck, it's not.
You idiot.
Ren, you're so dumb. Ryuji doesn't care about himself. You know this. You've always known that. Whether or not he's comfortable has literally never been something he's ever wanted Ren to care about, and he does, and it's not right for Ren to congratulate him for coming out to him this way. It feels off. It feels wrong. It's not them. His eyebrows lower downward, and he looks into the pocket created by his crossed legs.
What do I do now?
Even their own sense of being lost is mirrored in their thoughts.]
Y...you're not a fool. [He's been rejected enough to know how this feels, but, honestly, never has he ever thought it would be by someone he cared so deeply about, so he gets it. It's the same feeling, only magnified 10,000x by a microscope of how much it hurts to have your heart's cells torn apart like this.]
Man... c'mon, don't apologize. None of it... none of it's your fault... I just. Shit, Ren. Nothing matters about me figurin' anything about myself out, I don't. I don't deserve congratulations for bein' a fucking... barely functional human being. [Internally, he adds- a shitty one, at that.
It's hard. He wants to reach over and pull him into a hug, but that's his instincts kicking in to protect people he loves, and he doesn't think that's what Ren would want, so he struggles as he lifts a hand forward and just. Probably? Mistakenly places it against his shoulder. Starts to pull a little bit, coaxing. You ever watch a train coming to hit you at 100mph and you just know, hey, this is it? This is when it's going to hit. This was my life?]
C'mere.
no subject
And in the same breath how could Ren remember anything before what this pain was, its sharpness and presence eclipsing reason and waxed large beyond its ken with that damn food poisoning. Ren wants to understand so badly that he doesn't understand at all; he makes all the motions of it, he says the words, and from what he can tell he can believe it because the mind in distress will fling out and hold tight to anything that will lessen the hurt. Ren is Happy For Ryuji since living with honesty is integral to who he is, so shouldn't it be momentous that he's discovering his sexuality? Of course Ren cares - it just happens that it's at the same moment that the pressing issue isn't one he can stand to stare at without a fresh wave of grief overcoming him.
It's possible he'll remember later, when it's quieter and Ren can hear himself think. It's possible he'll need something to jog his memory that yeah, that's right, Ryuji is Ryuji and this is what he thinks of himself, and this whole exchange will be less crushing in the sense of what Ren did wrong and way, way tilted toward what Ryuji doesn't think he deserves and it'll fucking break Ren's heart all over again. ]
'Course it matters, you matter an- [ God, what a gross sniff. Crying is awful, why did he do this. ] it's part of you.
[ He's so fucking embarrassing, sitting here and blubbering like a little kid just cuz he can't have what he wants. Ren almost resists the pull at his shoulder out of shame - and it's not as though he isn't ashamed as hell for what he's doing to Ryuji. Why's he still trying to protect Ren's feelings?
There's a decision to be made whether or no Ren is aware of it. But the truth is he's too weak not to go and unfold, to let the inevitability of motion take its course and crash into a shoulder, a collarbone. The twist in his spine is too great and blindly Ren relinquishes the remains of his dignity to fully turn and loop his arms around Ryuji's middle. ]
'Course you matter.
[ He can't even care about how wrecked his voice is. his fingers clutch and abuse the poor shirt material at Ryuji's back but it feels so calming just to be here and not have to hold himself up anymore. It's a tiny balm on an enormous wound but Ren's breath hitches just a touch less violently. ]
I'm gonna... get your shirt w-wet.
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Because, of course, Ryuji's responsible for Ren's feelings. If it were someone less important to him, someone that didn't get him as well as Ren did, a confession like this would've been spurned, and Ryuji would feel bad, of course- but sitting around to make sure the other person was okay? Who knows. Maybe he would, but probably he wouldn't. Sometimes people need space. Sometimes people don't want to see Ryuji, and he gets that. He's okay with it, too.
Ren leaning into his shoulder at the initial tug is a weirdly relieving sort of thing. It kind of speaks for itself, for the both of them, just who they are in respect to one another. Ryuji could never be so heartless as to take his feelings and let them fester. Hell, he wanted to go to Akechi the second he told Hajime about what he did. In order to become a good person, you have to accept responsibility for the things you do, and responsibility for the things that maybe you didn't have control over, but it's still yours to keep. He gives his best friend a hug, holding him in place, because... it's what he knows how to do. He can't grandstand a speech to relieve emotional ailments. Can't sit there and lie to Ren to make him feel better. Life is just like this. Shit happens, you take control of what you can take control of, and find someone to help share the things that feel like they're insurmountable by nature. What Ryuji can do, is rub his back and try to tell him that it'll okay. He doesn't actually know if it'll be okay, in reality, but, shit. He has to believe, right?]
It's cool, man. It's just a shirt. Do whatever you want to it.
[Do whatever you need to, in order to pull yourself up a bit, if that's what it takes. Hell, Ryuji wouldn't even care if this went in a different direction and he came out swinging at him. He'd take every punch until Ren's arms became tired and useless.]
Ren... [He does, however, still feel the guilt of not knowing. For being so blind to Ren's feelings. He knows how pitiably bad he is at getting signals or hints toward anything. He just continues to hold an arm around him, rubbing his back and trying to calm him down, even if he thinks he's not really the greatest at this sort of thing.] It's cool, okay? We're gonna be okay. If you need some time... or you just need some space, it's cool. I don't blame you. Ball's in your court. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.
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[ "Here" is a lot of places. Physically here letting Ren shoujo-cling to the best immediate remedy that's available to him. The "here" that is on this station, in his life, By His Side, any and all of what Ren could have and still can continue living with if Ryuji can. That's always been the proviso, and the longer he lays himself into Ryuji and lets the distress of the moment drain it becomes easier to recall that this is how it works with them, being one another's best keepers.
It was Ren's mistake to think that that meant Ryuji'd want the same things as him, is all. He's not interested in Ren. So that's that.
They're gonna be okay. It doesn't feel like it now but things always are between them. Ren will cry for a long while and trust Ryuji to protect the vulnerable parts of him, even if he's the one who was empowered to inadvertently use that blind spot against Ren in this horribly narrow angle. Strangely it's one of the moments that he's felt closest to Ryuji, in spilling his heart even if it did get punished.
Space, probably. Time, yeah. Time here, wherever "here" is. And when he feels like he's done crying and ready to let go (respectively: yesterday and never) he does, pulling back to sit facing on another, the outsides of their thighs pressed together.
Ren's better with words than Ryuji is, but at the same time it's important to speak someone else's language from time to time to reinforce a bond, to convey what might otherwise be misinterpreted. Ren wouldn't hurt him. He can reach up to thumb away the wetness on Ryuji's cheeks, a mixture of guilt and empathy in Ren's stinging red eyes, but what's more is the hand moving from there to the back of Ryuji's head, mussing the overgrowth on its way to tugging him forward.
The contact of Ren's lips to Ryuji's forehead is solid, something he hasn't done before and may never do again. But he hopes that he knows what Ren is saying.
We'll be okay no matter what. ]
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[He may be kind of dull at times, but when it comes to this particular dual layered context, he senses it out just well enough to know that it means more than just being there for him. It... kind of always goes without saying, because, really? Ren, do you think he'd go anywhere without you? You have to be out of your mind. If he's about to toss himself out the airlock to brave space travel, you better bet your ass that he'll be right there, suiting up with you. And, you know, if you just want to look out into space and be quiet for a bit; well, he'll ruin the quiet, but he'll stargaze with you like a nerd.
He stands (sits) still as Ren goes and does his Ren thing, not caring at the slightest for the closeness; he's so greedy to be touched all the damn time, it's almost a completely shameful kind of thing. He doesn't expect the forehead kiss, however, that's definitely a new thing, but he also doesn't freak out or feel like he has to front and tell him that it's weird. It just is. It's them. Whatever, they can weird and not weird and fill out all the spaces in between with the days to come.
They'll be okay.]